To Win at Marriage, Learn to lose

贏得美滿婚姻,要學(xué)會認(rèn)輸

Having been married for more than 40 years, I can attest to the truth of the following statement: to excel in the art of domestic argument, one must master the art of losing.

做為一個(gè)結(jié)婚40余年的人，我可以證明下面這個(gè)說法完全正確：想要在家庭爭執(zhí)中得滿分，首先要掌握認(rèn)輸?shù)乃囆g(shù)。

Modern psychologists are taken with the “win-win” solution. But in marriage, success resides more in “l(fā)ose-lose” solutions. Out of these, both parties can win. For in the love configuration, losing gives a gift that always returns.

現(xiàn)代心理學(xué)家們都醉心于“一贏再贏”的解決辦法，而在婚姻里頭，成功往往在于采取“一輸再輸”的策略。因?yàn)檫@樣，雙方都可以是贏家。在愛情的天地里，認(rèn)輸實(shí)際上永遠(yuǎn)是一份有回報(bào)的禮物。

One day shortly after my wife and I were married, we set about picking new living-room wallpaper from a book of samples. My taste and hers were at odds.

婚后不久的一天，我和妻子著手從一本樣品手冊中挑選起居室的壁紙。我們的愛好有了矛盾。

“I like this one,” she said. “That looks like a section of a diseased liver.” “How can you say that? This is a classical pattern that goes all the way back to the Venetian.” “The Venetian were blind. They named blinds after them, remember? I like this one.” “I wouldn’t hang that in hell if I were the devil.”

“我喜歡這一張。” “這張簡直就像一塊有病的豬肝。” “你怎么能這樣說?這可是一幅古典的古威尼斯風(fēng)格的圖案。” “威尼斯人都瞎眼了，后來的瞎子也都是因威尼斯人得名，記得嗎?我喜歡這一張。” “我死也不會掛那一張的。”

As the argument went on, my wife suddenly slammed the book shut. “There are over two hundred samples in this book,” she declared. “I say we spend our energy finding one that suits us both, instead of bickering over the ones we don’t like.”

在爭吵中，我妻子突然用力把書一合，大聲說：“這本書中有200張樣品，我們應(yīng)該把精力用在找到一張我們都喜歡的樣品，而不是用來爭吵那些我們不喜歡的。”

And that’s how we settled it. Eventually we found a pattern we both liked. The “wallpaper book” became our symbol for settling the myriad issues that arise in marriage. “Well,” she’d say when we couldn’t agree on furniture or a place to vacation, “there are plenty of samples in the wallpaper book.”

我們就這樣解決了爭執(zhí)。最后我們終于找到了一個(gè)我們共同喜歡的圖案。壁紙樣品手冊成了我們解決婚姻中遇到的無數(shù)爭執(zhí)的一個(gè)象征。當(dāng)我們在要什么家具或去什么地方休假的意見不一時(shí)，我的妻子就說：“在壁紙樣品手冊里有的是樣品呢!”

7]The issues that people argue over most in marriage, such as how to spend money, often aren’t the real ones. The key issue is: who is going to be in control? When I was younger, my need to control arose out of fear, a lack of trust, insecurity. The day I finally realized I didn’t need to control my wife—that, indeed, I ought not control her, that I couldn’t control her, and that if I tried to, I would destroy our marriage—was the day our marriage began.

人們在婚姻中爭吵的那些事情諸如怎樣花錢之類，往往并不是爭執(zhí)的真正所在。爭執(zhí)的關(guān)鍵是誰來控制。當(dāng)我年青的時(shí)候，我想去控制是因?yàn)槌鲇诳謶郑侨狈π湃魏桶踩小．?dāng)我終于認(rèn)識到我不必控制我的妻子的時(shí)候，我們的婚姻才算真正開始。確實(shí)，我不應(yīng)該控制我的妻子，我也不能去控制她，如果我要這樣去做，我就會毀壞我們的婚姻。

Giving up control is often confused with weakness. But the winner in a domestic argument is never really the winner. When you win a battle and your partner submits, you have, paradoxically, lost.

放棄控制對方常常與軟弱相混淆。其實(shí)家庭內(nèi)爭吵的贏家永遠(yuǎn)不可能是真正的贏家。當(dāng)你贏得了一場口角，使你的另一半屈服了，你其實(shí)恰恰相反，是輸家了。

What is it we want most from a marriage? To love and be loved. To be happy and secure. To grow, to discover. A love relationship is the garden in which we plant, cultivate and harvest the most precious of crops, our own self, and in which our spouse is provided the same rich soil in which to bloom.